Friction, Forgiveness, & Fruits by Shofar For much of my younger years I walked around controlled by anger. Oh, I hid it well by burying myself into organizations such as: "Yearbook Editor, President of FFA, Student Council President, School Acting, Piano Lessons, Honor Society Organizations, Horses, Church (not to mention church related activities), etc." I recalled, as a 4 or 5 year old, kneeling beside my bed crying out to God, "Please don't throw me away -- I am so sorry. I'll be good." How did I know to cry out to God at such an early age? I'm not sure but I think it had something to do with my Granny and my fascination with a picture.  In one of the rooms where I would be victimized there was a painting [side note: the picture frame is representative of that painting on the homepage to our site]. On the wall was a little girl holding a flower up in front of her. Behind her was a little boy on his knees praying. Before her was a giant hand, reaching out of heaven towards the little girl. I asked my Granny about that picture and she told me that it was God's hand reaching down to help this little girl.  Then, as an inquisitive child would, I asked 1,001 questions about God. I knew this much from my talks with her. God loved me and wanted all little boys and girls to be good. AND, if we were good, God would take us to this wonderful happy place called heaven.  After my sessions of shamefulness I would go home crying to God, telling Him I was so sorry, and to please give me another chance at this "happy" place. I would ask God to not throw me away. It wasn't until after I got married that I began to have some pretty serious "flashbacks" of earlier years, the earliest I can recall (well, I can recall being born but I won't share that here) was as a tiny tot being taken out to a chicken hutch, a tool shed, a living room and being sexually molested. This went on for a few years, at least.  I was quite disturbed by all this. It was clear, as I soon learned, that I needed to take thoughts captive. Imagine the fear of not leaving your own "babies" with their father because when you looked at your husband you saw the face of evil. For years, I did the two-step with my family and friends. I lost all my friends because I would always reject their offers of "leaving the children" with their dad and going on a mom's day out with them. Imagine being with your husband and having your thoughts flooded with flashbacks of the time of abuse and then having all those feelings of guilt and shame come attacking you during a time that should've been blessed.  I wasn't sure how to deal with this. At first, I began not focusing on my husband but on other things. This seemed to help but, eventually, other things became thoughts of other people. I was deeply convicted. Again, God was showing me that I needed to take thoughts captive.  I didn't want to give up this way of thinking because it brought immediate relief (at first). The truth is, it was a crutch given to me by the evil one and it was destroying me and my relationship with my husband. I found that when I was convicted of wrong thoughts I would then be full of shame and guilt. This shame and guilt led to anger and my anger was directed at those I loved the most. I was a "time bomb" ready to go off during my first few years of marriage. In fact, it did go off.  Picture this: sitting around the table with your husband and having him look at you the wrong way or snicker (in jest) at something you did or said and then to meet that by standing up, reaching for the table on your end, picking it up and throwing it -- food and all off to the side. Yes, I did that. Yes, I reached for pictures off the wall and threw them too. I would like to say that during all this time I was teaching Sunday School, a ladies Bible Study, helping out in a Nursing Home, singing specials in church. I was very involved and NO ONE but my husband knew the bad temper I harbored. I came to a point in my life where Joy had been replaced by anger. It was at this time I began noticing that every sermon, bible study, and discussion with others seemed to find their way to the act of "forgiveness." I would cry out to God. "Oh God, fix me! I'm a mess."  His response would be, "Sherri, you have unforgiveness. Get rid of it and I will take you to a higher level of walk with me that you have never experienced before." I did some soul searching and, as I reflected on situations, I realized that everything stemmed back to those "flashbacks" and the pain within myself. I didn't want to face that pain, all I knew to do was bury it waaaaaaaaaay deep and hope to never be touched by it again.  *sigh* It kept seeping up like an over flooded sewer. I knew what I must do. Forgive. It was difficult. I prayed much about it and soon I was able to forgive my grandfather for what he had done. Hmmmm, but nothing happened. I forgave him. I prayed to God, weeping, and told God I forgave that monster.  OK, so I will stand on the fact that I forgave him and trust God to begin working in my life to bring about the fruits of forgiveness. Well, it never came. I got worse -- I couldn't breathe at times. I felt like I was forced into this tiny drop of water and was drowning. Oh, I was really angry then. To think that I humbled myself enough to forgive this monster that should have the worst imaginable things done to him for what he did to me -- and not to mention any others he did this to. "God," I shouted angrily, "I forgave. Do something. Fix this. Don't You care about me at all? I can't go on like this. I did everything You told me to do. I have taken thoughts captive and I still get flashbacks. I prayed to You telling You I forgave him -- why isn't this working? Where is the joy of my salvation? I still feel imprisoned by all this? Why don't I have what Paul has that he could be so joyous and full of praise while imprisoned? Give me that, God, that is all I ask of You." He responded to me with something that shocked me so much so that I turned my back and ran the other way.  "NO! I can't do that. I won't do that. That is cruel to even ask me to do that. Where is your compassion? You are so unfair!"  It took me 3 MORE years of hiding anger and having bits of it come storming out at any who dared to antagonize the beast within me. Let me share what God told me.  He said, "Sherri, I know your heart. I know that you really want to realize the healing that is yours in this situation. To do this you must do one more thing. You will need to go to your grandfather and let him know how much he hurt you. I want to send you out as my messenger, my angel. Tell him that Jesus died for those sins and that I (God) love him very much and I want to cut him loose from his bondage." *sigh* I couldn't do it. I figured that I would just go on the rest of my life, like I had been. BUT, God's words to me, "You can go no higher in your walk with me. You can come no closer to me until you forgive" played over and over in my mind.  It came to a point in my life where I wanted/needed that closer relationship with GOD.  My love for God was more important to me than the hate for my grandfather. I went into serious fasting and prayer. I talked with my pastor about all this. He was amazed. He could not believe the "grace" God had given me. He could not believe that I had been struggling with all of this while being so faithful to the church and to God. The time came. I got dressed up in my best clothes. I went to my grandfather. My granny had passed on and I was reminded of her as I entered the house when I saw her Bible sitting on the coffee table (I hadn't been in there since she passed away). I stood close to the door. I intended to do what I had to do and get out of there.  My grandfather sat in his easy chair. I told him how much he hurt me. I told him how the guilt, shame, dirtiness, anger for what he had done stirred up suicidal tendencies within me. He just stared at me, blankly, ghostly (my thoughts were -- I wonder how much longer he has to live this life?).  I am sure he realized the hate and anger in my voice. Then I told him with my best stoic posture, "I'm not here because I want to be. God forced me to come. He brought me here with a message for you. He told me that He loves you very much and that he wants to take away all your hurts that caused you to do this to me."  Something happened to me while I shared the Love of God with that man. I began to soften up. I began to be touched by a compassion that I had never experienced before. I saw my grandfather in a whole other light. He was no longer a monster -- but, I realized he, like me, was a sinner saved by Grace. I realized that God must really love me to move me to do this and I realized how much God loved my grandfather.  Release I did something, right then, that I would NEVER have done. I asked my grandfather to forgive me. He could not understand why innocence would need forgiven. I told him that I believed in the power of thoughts and words and that the only thing I had sent his way all these years were curses full of hatred and destruction. Another Release My grandfather, fell on his knees before me and God. He wept bitterly before God. I had never heard a grown man cry and confess to God that he was unworthy of such kindness as God and I had shown. I had never witnessed such a release of the weight of the most horrendous types of sin from someone's shoulders as I witnessed that day with my grandfather.  From that day forward, my grandfather attended church with me until he passed away, shortly thereafter.  From that day forward, I was no longer bound to the hurt of my past.  Yes, I sometimes feel a slight sting over my past, especially when I hear something about this happening with another -- but now, I am no longer pierced by pain, but caressed by comfort. The comfort of God. Along these lines I would like to share something else. I never received any kind of therapy or counseling for this but I was approached by someone from the area director of a well-known organization. He asked me if I would consider leading a Home school Support Group in a large church I was attending. I accepted and during my training I walked past a group in session.  God revealed to me why He wanted me to approach my grandfather.  The group I was eaves-dropping on was a support group for those who had been sexually molested. There were about 8 women in this group and one leader. This time of counseling was a special time because they had a special guest. The leader of the group forewarned the ladies that this man had been on the other side of their pain. He had sexually molested children in his earlier years. Oh, the air was thick when he came in. He came in, basically, to say he was sorry. That what he had done was wrong and there was no excuse. He came in to say that it was only by God's power and the prayers of others that he was able to overcome this terrible sin.  *sigh* I want to tell you that ALL of those women met that man with hatred. One woman was shaking so much in her chair that she did everything she could to keep from racing over to that man and take out on him what had happened to her. Others were verbally abusive and shouted at him. He just sat there with tears streaming down his face. I could not bear the hatred floating around in that room.  I met his tears with my own. In my heart I wanted to say to that man that he was loved and that Jesus paid it all and I received that payment in full for what had been done to me. Of course, he already realized that. Hmmmm, I wanted to embrace that man.  The leader, a very sensitive woman, did just that. She got up and hugged him. The remarks of some of the ladies towards her were not so, well, not so ... one woman commented, "I could never do what you just did. I have been hurt too greatly to ever do something like that." She was met with a few "amen's."  I'm going to stop here. I shared something very difficult for me to share.  I would like to add that neither of my parents knew this was taking place.  I didn't want them to think any less of me nor did I want to get them angry. [ back ]   Email me: Bible Devotional I recommend the following article on forgiveness: ChristianityToday.com - Christianity Today Magazine - ARTICLE: The Forgiveness Factor "Mix & Match" background by Punkie "Tell Him"  MIDI: Author Unknown Copyright © 2001-current