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The Dachshund |
A wealthy man decided to go
on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet
dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies
and before long the dachshund discovers that he is
lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention
of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK,
I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some
bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and
slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with
great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills
the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to
do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his
back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just
when they get close enough
to hear the dachshund says......................
"Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an
hour ago to bring me another leopard."
SOMETIMES IF YOU CANT DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE
THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH NONSENSE! |
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The New Pastor |
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that
someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card,
wrote: Revelation 3:20 on the back and stuck it in
the door.
When the offering was processed the following
Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he
broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door
and knock.
Genesis 3:10 reads, I heard your voice in the
garden and I was afraid for I was naked. |
A plane with 4 passengers is about to crash, but has only 3
parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.."
So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the
former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious
woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential
future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the
world." She grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the
plane.
The third passenger, Rev. Billy Graham, says to the fourth
passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and I don't have
many years left. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute."
The boy said, "It's ok; there's still a parachute left for you.
America's smartest woman took my school backpack."
-------------------------------------
Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND ......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
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You know you are living in the year of
techno advances when: |
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do
not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for
half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...
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Read the Signs
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate
action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right
place."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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