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HELP ME !!!!

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist.
(Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th.... Look, a bird! ....ing at a time.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

 

Light Bulbs

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?
.I

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. She returned to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do.

She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."  She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????"

But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car." He said, "SURE." 

He walked over to the car and in seconds
the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO
MUCH.....You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man.  I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

The following are actual stories
provided by travel agents

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said "No" He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1 hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said "No, why do you ask?" She replied "Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn > planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said "Yeah, whatever"

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere" The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

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DID YOU KNOW

Because of heavy traffic congestion, Julius Caesar banned all wheeled vehicles from Rome during the daylight hours. (I just love that one!)

In Greece, it is a wedding tradition to write the names of all single female friends and relatives of the bride on the sole of her shoe. After the wedding ,  the shoe is examined, and those whose names have worn off are said to be the next in line for marriage. (Does that mean they are solely waiting for marriage?)

An African elephant will eat up to 500 pounds of food a day. Their diet consists of twigs, leaves, grasses, and fruit. (And any slow zookeeper he can pick-up!)

Bald eagles can actually swim.  They use an overhand movement of their wings that is very much like the butterfly stroke. (You'd be bald too if you dove into the water at 60 mph!)

The letter Y was invented by Palamedes, one of the heroes of the Trojan War. He made its shape from the flight formation of cranes which he observed. (He was probably thinking "Why dem birds fly like that, what?)