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God is Like
God is a little like General Electric He lights your path.

God is a little like Bayer Aspirin He works wonders.

God is a little like Hallmark Cards He cared enough to send the very best.

God is a little like Tide He gets out the stains that others leave behind.

God is a little like Alberto VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.

He works wonders.

God is a little like Dial Soap.  Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish everyone did?

God is a little like Sears He has everything.

God is a little like Alka Seltzer Oh, what a relief He is!

God is a little like Scotch Tape You can't see Him but you know He's there!

God is a little like The Copper Top Battery
Nothing can outlast Him.

God is a little like American Express Don't leave home without Him
 

Getting Old

* Your back goes out but you stay home.

* You and your teeth don't sleep together.

* You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you're not wearing any.

* You hear snap, crackle, pop at the breakfast table, but you're not eating any cereal.

* You wake up looking like your drivers license picture.

* It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

* When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

* When happy hour is a nap.

* When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

* When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

* Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

* It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

* Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

* The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

* Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

* The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

* It takes twice as long to look half as good.

* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

* Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.

* You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

* You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

* You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

* You get to the check out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your cart isn't worth the wait.

* Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.

* You confuse having a 'clear conscience' with a bad memory.

* You finally 'have your head together' but your body is falling apart.

* You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories.  The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories.  Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid
a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB

ROTTWEILER:  Just one.  You want to make something of it?

DOBERMAN:  Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb andfind a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:  One, but just "try" to convince them that theburned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:  Two, but the job never gets done -- they justkeep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed tobe done!

BULLDOG:  Just one.  But it takes them three years to do it.

POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agentwill get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they'reout.PUG:  Er, two.  Or maybe one.  No -- on second thought, make thattwo.  Is that OK with you?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've gotour whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about astupid burned-out light bulb?

AFGHAN:  Light bulb? What light bulb?

CAT:  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

SHIBA-INU:  Zero!  

Shiba's aren't afraid of the dark!

SCHIPPERKE:  It's your light bulb -- change it yourself.  Unless.....is there food involved??

POODLE:  Sorry, Just had my nails done.

BEAGLE:  How many cookies do I get?

WEIMARANER:  Light bulb?  You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?

LAB:  Why change it?  The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

BASENJI:  LIGHT BULB? We don't change no steenking light bulbs!

MALAMUTE:  Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.BOXER:  If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit fallingoff the chair.........

AMERICAN BULLDOG:  One. JUMP, remove bulb , land.  JUMP, replacebulb, land.  Two:  What light bulb So?  We can play in the dark.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:  "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you,but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- andthen I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and lookup at you with my sad eyes.  What, you're changing the light bulbyourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so muchfor being my friend and doing that."

DALMATIAN:  Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

ROTTWEILER:  I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.CORGI:  I cant reach the stupid lamp!

SPRINGER:  Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

STANDARD POODLE:  None.  Go get human, sit under it, look up andpoint it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

BORDER COLLIE:  Just one.  And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

WOLFDOG:  Let me see that light bulb, anyway.  What's it made of,what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it.  I might changeit, but let me think about it.  You're not trying to tell me what todo, are you?  Hey, I just had a great idea.  I think I'll change thatlight bulb!

GERMAN SHEPHERD:  "I'm kinda busy right now!  I have to chase thecat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."

DACHSHUND:  Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, youtook too long.  I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........  No, notthat treat, the other kind.  Geez.......... do I have to doeverything?  (of course, followed by "the look".)

IRISH SETTER:  It only takes one, but it will put in a really dimbulb.

IT BULL TERRIER:  Jump and take hold of old light bulb.  Now, let goof old light bulb..........  I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB.  Please????Let go of the light bulb??????GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG:  Huh????
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems.

"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."

"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.

"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.

"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."