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What
I learned from Noah's Ark
ONE:
Don't miss the boat.
TWO:
Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE:
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah
built
the Ark.
FOUR:
Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may
ask
you to do something really big.
FIVE:
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the
job
that needs to be done.
SIX:
Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN:
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT:
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails
were
on board with the cheetahs.
NINE:
When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN:
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
Titanic
by professionals.
ELEVEN:
No matter the storm, when you are with God,
there's
always a rainbow waiting.
__________________________
DID YOU KNOW
In the 1760s, macaroni was a slang term for a fashionable English dandy.
The Macaroni Club's members were known for having affected manners, and
long, curled hair. The song "Yankee Doodle" was invented by
the British to insult American colonists. The section where Doodle puts
a feather in his cap and calls it macaroni is slap at the ragged bands
of American troops.
The ancient Romans used beans for balloting, both in their elections and
in courts. Black beans stood for opposition or guilt, and white
signified agreement or innocence. (Hey, I think we solved the voting
problem for Florida!!)
The average woman in 17th-century America gave birth to 13 children.
Benjamin Franklin, born in 1706, was his mother's 16th child. (Somebody
had to pick dem peas!!)
The bouillon cube was once a common snack food in early America. Beef or
veal stock was boiled down until it reached a hard jelly texture. The
hard cakes didn't spoil, and trappers and hunters nibbled on them when
tramping along on long journeys during the 1700s. (Bouillon,
jerky.....no wonder these dudes were mean and rugged...they were
HUNGRY!!)
The British Broadcasting Company played the opening bars of Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony in all its broadcasts to Europe during World War II. The
familiar "dah-dah-dah-DAAAAH" opening is the same as Morse
code for the letter "V" ....(dot-dot-dot-dash) - the symbol
adopted for "victory."
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Laughable
Laws |
| In Blue Hill, Nebraska, no
female wearing a 'hat which would scare a timid person' can be seen
eating onions in public.
In Minnesota, it is illegal to tease a
skunk. (Picture it...."Hey Skunk,
your Momma wears combat boots!!")
In Tamarack, Idaho, you can't buy onions
after dark without a special permit from the sheriff. (People
...WHY??)
In Grants Pass, Ore., you can throw onions at 'obnoxious salesmen'
if they won't stop knocking on your door or ringing your bell.
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Last
week I was reading about the high rate of attacks on women at night in
secluded parking lots in the US, so I thought I would do some investigating
and see if other countries had the same problem as we do. What I found out
is that a city in Australia has established a "Women Only" parking
lot near downtown. It is safe and even the parking lot attendants are
exclusively female, so a very comfortable and safe environment has been
created. Australia has the lowest rate of attacks on women in the world!
Attached is a picture I found of this "Women Only" parking lot in
Australia...
I've also provide the picture so you can see it.
CLICK
HERE
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Evolution
Explained
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher
asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't
there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher
agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must
not have one!
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT
BY SIGHT
__________________________
This was sent to me and I thought it was
very cute. I'm a redneck and I appreciate my Judeo-Christian roots.
YOU MIGHT BELONG TO A REDNECK SYNAGOGUE
IF
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days,
whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a
shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and
then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite Kiddush wine.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
directory.
Bris is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new temple septic tank.
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a
medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come
back now, ya hear?
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