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*grin* ... Anyone wish they had been
born a few centuries earlier? Someone sent me some information about that
time period. I will be sharing a little at a time.
LIFE IN THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY,
by
Dr. Beatrice Stiglitz |
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high,
with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the pets ... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs, lived
in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes
the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying,
"it's raining cats and
dogs". |
COMPLAINING HUSBAND:
A bricklayer at my husbands construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I’m sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I will set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, ‘No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!" We had a big fight but I got my point across." He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box and found a hammer and a coconut!
_________________
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both
are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the
airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!!
Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have
all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die?!"
WHY ENGLISH IS SO HARD TO LEARN
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce some produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove and dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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New Commandments
The following statements about the Bible were written by children
and have not been retouched or corrected (supposedly *snicker*)
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
6. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
7. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
8. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
9. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
10. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
11. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.
12. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
13. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CHORUSES AND HYMNS
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said: "Well it's like this If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN,' then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."
Just sit
right back
and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a faith filled trip
that started from this puter port
aboard a micro chip.
The webmeister was God's woman
a teacher, brave and true
some screen named friends signed on one day
for a Bible Study cruise, a Bible Study cruise
The websites started getting rough,
the first boards, they were tossed.
If not for the prayers of the fearless crew
the websites could be lost,
the websites could be lost,
Then ground was laid on the shores of this
depopped up ezboard
with sites for fun
the Bible thru
here on .ezboard isle...
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the
first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some
lunch.
They flew down and found a nice
plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate
until they couldn't eat anymore.
"I'm so full I don't think I
can fly back up to the tree," said the first robin.
"Me neither," said the
second robin.
"Let's just lay here
and bask in the warm sun," said the first.
"OK," said the
second.
The robins plopped down, basking
in the sun.
They had barely fallen asleep
when a big fat tom cat sneaked up and
gobbled both of them down.
As he sat washing his face after
his meal, the cat thought ----- >>>> [click
to find out what the cat thought]
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