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Red Skelton's
Tips for a Happy Marriage |
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the Lake ."
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust!" |
As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the
seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver
had found my bag.
When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded
me. One man handed me my purse, two typewritten pages and a box
containing the contents of my purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he
explained.
"I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the
man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we
*all* tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. We'd
like to see just how YOU do it." |
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Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in
the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no
longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the
Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun. |
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Tidbits of Information |
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People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of
attention.
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Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to
enforce 10 commandments.
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a
meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll
miss my appointment.
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I
know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what
the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what
does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'" |
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How many do you remember?
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Count all the ones that you remember.
Candy cigarettes
Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
Blackjack chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles
Party lines.
Newsreels before the movie.
PF Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Drexel-5505) !
Peashooters.
Howdy Doody
45 RPM Records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice cube trays--with levers
Mimeograph paper
Blue flash Bulbs
Roller skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
The Fuller Brush man
Reel-to-reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
The Erector Set
5 cent packs of baseball cards...with a pink slab of bubblegum
How many did you remember?
If you remembered 10 or less:
You're still young
If you remembered 11 - 15:
You are getting old
If you remembered 16 - 20:
Don't tell your age
If you remembered 21 or more:
You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your OLD friends
who may need a break from their
"grown up" life....
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Kids Theories
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WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
- -Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.--Freddie,
age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
- -Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.--
Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.--
Martin, age10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- -Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
- -Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- -Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is . . .
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck
- Ricky, age 10 |
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